If money can’t make you happy, you won’t like poverty either.
When buying a flat screen TV, always remember to put the box in your neighbor’s trash so you don’t get robbed!
Going to Mark Zuckerberg‘s house to move around all his furniture and see how he likes it!
I’m going to get some blank business cards, hand them out and call them my ‘none of your business’ cards.
Bank of America is firing 3500 people. Hope they don’t fire that one guy whose counter is open.
I’m a firm believer that if something takes 10 minutes to cook on 200 degrees then it should only take 5 minutes to cook on 400 degrees.
The home cooked pizza box says to cook the pizza between 14 and 16 minutes. That’s 15 minutes, right? I’m not reading too much into it?
Grandpa to Grand Kid: Go hide, your teacher Is here because you were not in school today!!
Grand Kid: You go hide… I told him you passed away!!!
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra than on Alzheimer research. This means that in a few years, there will be a large elderly population with terrific body assets , but absolutely no recollection of what to do with them !
Life kind of sucks that it takes most of your life … to learn how to live.
Today I saw a baby with a bib that said “This dumbass put my cape on backwards.
When they say “all expenses paid”…does that include bail?
OK every body make sure you go out and get Milk and Bread because I think once the storm hits we are suppose to stay in the house and drink milk and eat toast….