There is a special place in Hell for people who stop at yellow lights.
Sometimes I whisper, “I’m on your side” to the computers, just in case they ever succeed in taking over the world.
My definition of a perfect storm is one that keeps the relatives from coming to visit.
If Facebook has taught me anything, it’s that I really shouldn’t be taking advice from you people. Someone come bail me out.
How do we not have light sabers yet? Its like scientists aren’t even trying.
You know it’s going to be a bad day when your horoscope starts with… “Are you sitting down?
Happiness always comes with a price, but accepts all major credit cards.
I don’t like people who can’t make fun of themselves. It just makes more work for me.
I’m always in the right place at the right time… just on the wrong day.
My wife asked me if I wanted to go on a date for Valentine’s, so I asked her with who and do I know her……………….then the trouble started.
If your boyfriend gets you flowers and chocolate for Valentine’s Day…it’s because he was saving money to get his real girlfriend jewelry!
I worry about germs on money. So I try to spend it before it makes me sick.
Scientists say we use only 10% of our brain. Imagine how much better the world would be if we started using the other 60%.
In my will, I’m giving $100 to anyone who wears a Scream costume to my funeral and doesn’t say a word.
I think old man winter found out mother nature was cheating on him, now he’s pissed!
I got up this morning and think I saw my shadow. I’m going back to bed for six weeks.
I have just painted a blue square in the garden to trick people viewing Google Earth into thinking I have a swimming pool!!
You say “hospitalization for a nervous breakdown.” I hear “quiet vacation with awesome meds.”
Happy Belated Birthday Chris, Thank You for the laughs.