New from Wikileaks: Santa’s nice and naughty list has been released!
If my plane is about to crash, I doubt I’ll be using my seat as a “flotation device.” More likely, it’s gonna be used as a toilet!
At the grocery store, they usually have 6 check out lanes open, unless it’s really busy, then they only use one.
My 83 year old neighbor got pulled over for speeding. She told the cop she had to hurry before she forgot where she was going.
If you’re one of those people who think the world is going to end in 2012, please send me all your stuff.
CL would like to replace the coffee machine at work with a jello-shot machine.
A song told me to Deck the Halls…so I did. Mr.and Mrs. Hall are not very happy.
Well Officer, in my defense, the sign in the laundromat did say, “When the buzzer sounds, please remove your clothes.
My doctor wanted to check my prostate and I told him the TSA Agent at the airport already said I’m healthy.
I used to believe in faith and destiny but then I realized they are just stripper names.
Little Red Riding Hood didnt listen to her Mom, Pinocchio was a liar, Robin Hood a thief, Tarzan wore no clothes, and Snow White lived with 7 men. These are the stories our parents told us and they complain that our Generation s MESSED UP!
Don’t try catching snowflakes on your tongue unless you are SURE all the birds have gone south for the winter.
It’s so cold outside that kids at the mall are pulling their pants up…….!!!!!!!
When using a toilet plunger…always remember to keep your mouth shut!
Its beginning to Cost a lot like Christmas.
CL tries to be unusually kind and compassionate to those around me during the
holidays, because I never know who will end up being my Secret Santa.
The mall Santa seemed slightly offended by my bottle of lap sanitizer.
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering…98 of them said, “How did you get in here?”
Everything I know about communicating I learned from Charlie Brown‘s parents.
My doctor forgot to tell me that one of the side effects of the medicine that he prescribed for me was poverty!
Obama split his lip playing hoops and has to get stitches. I hope he has good health insurance.
The text message is the new greeting card, but without any hope that there will be money inside.
In about 50 years from now, tombstones will read ‘Beloved Wife, Mother, Sister, Daughter, and Facebook friend!!!