Just cut in front of a guy wearing camouflage waiting in a long line and when he said something about it… I told him I didn’t see him.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see, “May cause extreme sexiness or Awesomeness.
Comment: “I guess you’ve never had a prescription for Ecstasy.”
When someone says “Just act natural” I think “I’m so screwed”
1 out of 3 people who start smoking will eventually die.” The other two apparently became immortal.
Just had to inform my friend that lives in the Deep South that Ancestry.com is NOT an online dating site.
A recent police study found that you’re much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run.
For sale: Brand new to-do list. Never been used.
I like to write “Wake Up” on my To-Do list so I can start the day off accomplishing something.
Seriously….. Who the Hell had the balls to test out the first parachute?!
Comment: “His name was Joseph ” The Smudge” Johnson. A courageous inventor who also invented flapping your arms wildly before hitting the ground.”
Minimum wage: your employer’s way of telling you they would pay you even less, but it’s against the law.