Serial killers rarely answer questions like “Who’s there?”
Politicians only kiss babies because it might be theirs.
Next time you sit at a McDonald’s play-land and a parent asks you, “Which one is yours?” Say, “I haven’t picked one out yet!” It’s worth it.
It’s 2011, microwaves should have one button that says Cook it.
Why you don’t ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
When I’m about to die and my life flashes before my eyes I’m worried that a lot of it will just be Facebook and TV.
I’ve just bought myself a hyena. Finally my jokes will be appreciated.
Gently placing your finger on someone’s lips and saying “Shh, not another word” is super romantic… but cops don’t seem to think so.
CL will update you’re Facebook status for money!
Wanted to congratulate all of the survivors on this years version of “So… It’s The End Of The World?” See you all back here, next year, on the 21st of December! Until then…. stay safe!
Well the world didn’t come to a end so I guess I gotta pay all the money back that I borrowed this week.
They say that Alcohol kills people… let’s not forget how many people were born because of it.
Has Nordstrom’s End of Civilization sale started yet?
Thanks to credit cards, most of us are still paying for beer we drank 5 years ago
If I found out I only had a week to live, and could go anywhere in the world, I think I’d go to the hospital because that sounds serious.
2011 Pick Up Lines: I have a full tank of gas.
Where do you see yourself in 5 beers?
I wish the Dollar Store would sell gas…
Microsoft has paid $5 Billion for Skype… Obviously nobody told them they can download it for free from the website.
Facebook: Saving me money on birthday cards for the past 3 years.
Dear lady in front of me , It is a speed bump , not a freaking land mine.
If anything I post offends you, please bring it to my attention so I can delete you off my friends list.
Common Sense is so Rare nowadays it should be used as a Skill on a Job Application!
Osama Bin Laden …………. Cominggg Sooonnnnn To a Beach Near You.
I read somewhere that when you get married, you should marry your best friend. Talk about awkward, he was already married.
Well Bin Laden thats what you get for showing off your new iphone 4 and forgetting to switch off geo location feature.
One of Bin Laden’s wives just updated her Facebook status to single.
I bet Bin laden now reqrets letting his Facebook “Check In” at his current location.
Walking through an office building with a box of donuts is like walking through a maximum security prison in lingerie.
Just realized, We stare at screens, have fake farms, cities and animals and poke people.Think about it. Facebook is a mental hospital and we’re the patients.
Please copy and paste this as your status if you know someone, or have heard of someone who knows someone. If you don’t know anyone, or even if you’ve heard of anyone who doesn’t know anyone, then do still copy this. It’s important to spread the message, even if no-one knows anything about anyone. Oh, and the hearts. ♥ ♥ ♥ For heavens sake, don’t forget the hearts. ♥ ♥ ♥