If each day is a gift, I’d like to know where to return Mondays.
If you’re the kind of person who leaves long and boring voice messages, do us all a favor and say your number at the start of the message.
“Facebook should change the status question from “what’s on your mind?” to “what’s your problem today?”‘
My neighbors put their Christmas decorations up early, so I put my Easter stuff out just to one-up them.
Behind every succesful woman, there is a man staring at her ass.
If you are what you eat, I’m fast, cheap, & easy.
Once you lick frosting off a cupcake it becomes a muffin .
In the past, when you were angry with someone you argued with them. Now you just delete them off Facebook
Thank you, True Crime, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
I love asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up… cause, you know… I’m still looking for ideas.
I finally friended my wife on Facebook to get updates on our relationship.
At the airport there is always that one question that gets to you “has anyone put anything in your suitcase without you knowing?” How Would we know ?
It used to be only death and taxes that were inevitable. Now there’s shipping and handling too!!!
The guy to convince the first blind man he needed Sunglasses must have been one hell of a salesman.
I phoned the Paranoia Help Line but hung up after 59 seconds. I’m sure they were trying to trace my call.
CL is wondering what Captain Hook‘s name was before he lost his hand.
CL saw a sign on a door that read “This door must be closed at all times”. Well that’s no good. I believe that should be called a wall instead.
CL: I may not be the real Santa, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t seen you while you’re sleeping.